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Travel Noveria in the Belly of the Great White Whale.

March 17, 2012

Chris: First of all, let me start off with an apology.

Commander Shepard: Or two. Tell them what you told me.

Chris: To all those brave and courageous citizens of the Citadel races and specifically to the survivors of Eden Prime: I apologize for any words that might have been taken out of context that seemed to diminish the tragedy of the situation.

Commander Shepard: Tell them what you said about the Geth.

Chris: I said…they’re not so tough.

Commander Shepard: And then what did you say?

Chris: My intent was to create a type of public consciousness, an awareness that they didn’t have to be the victims.

Commander Shepard: He said. “I keep waiting for one of these sprites to pick up a fucking gun and fight.”

Garus, give me a quarter. I want to win all these guns.

Chris: There are literally closets of guns, kept in public places, everywhere I go. The keycode to unlock them: Frogger.

Commander Shepard:  Are you seriously suggesting that women and children should be expected to be combat effective with military hardware.

Chris: Well, apparently Port Hanshan is pretty darn comfortable with hoarding military weapons in public places.   The place reminds me of a gym in Aspen, Colorado.  It was all slanted glass and concrete, spartan but you could feel the money in the air. Frankly, with so many guns around, it’s insane that there isn’t some kind of common, interplanetary women and children’s militia for the practice of publicly storing assault weapons in colorful and fun to learn encrypted safes.

Commander Shepard: Ya?….okay, that is weird.

Chris: Something else you may have noticed. In this blog we will be addressing Commander Shepard from now on by her official name and rank.

Commander Shepard: Thank you.

Chris: I didn’t realize how offensive it was to title you by your first name. I simply wanted to differentiate you from other Shepards.

Commander Shepard: I agree that it helps to have cleared the air. I will also show my respect for you by using a beloved term from important cinema.

Commander Shepard’s User: Um…thanks, but I’m not really sure I want to be called….a User. It’s sort of a contextual thing.

Graceful Mako, how many rockets did you take up the ass while we were stuck here?

Commander Shepard: User.  Tell them how you got me killed today.

User:  Not my favorite place to start, but hardly fault my fault.  I blame this one on the Mako.

Spectres crawl in, but they can't crawl out.

Commander Shepard: The M35 Mako infantry fighting vehicle. 155 millimeter mass accelerator cannon and coaxially mounted machine gun. Moves troops, kills bad guys.  You want to blame it on the Mako?

User:  Have you driven the Mako?

Commander Shepard:  (obvious)

User: And how would you assess the Mako’s tactical maneuverability and combat effectiveness?

Commander Shepard:  It’s good for driving over people assuming you can get a straight run and don’t come off the ground.

User:   I know, it’s like the thing is a hot air balloon.  The Mako drives at a total mass of just under than 100 kilograms.    I’m about to start buying kitty litter to keep its ass on the ground.   One time it took as long as ten seconds (no i didn’t count, now it took an hour, how about that?) for all of the Mako’s wheels to touch down when I dared to drive over a small mound of snow.   Is Noveria a low G planet?

Commander Shepard:   The Mako has a peculiar performance curve, but its better than running across the whole planet.

User:  I couldn’t even figure out how to exit the vehicle.  E gets you in, furious button mashing gets you out.   I’m guessing it’s Q, it seems like the left lateral button mashing off the WASD cluster was what got us out of the burning, missile riddled, rat trap.

That last cookie got him loose.

Commander Shepard:  (turns to the reader) From there the User made me storm a shielded sniper’s line, charging from about a half kilometer away in open air.   It’s wasn’t a great tactic.

User:  I was just so scared to get back into the Mako.  What if it came off the ground and never landed again?

Commander Shepard:  (stares critically).    After that, things went smoother.    The Mako makes for a fine anti-personal ram.      Crash the Mako into the largest group of enemies, exit hot, kill um all, pick the dead out of the tires and start over.

It's a rustmonster. You lucky biotics will be safe.

User:  We could not get that one guy out from under the tire.

Commander Shepard:  Continuing.  We encountered resistance inside the facility.   The alien biologicals.  Only a minor delay.

User:  Rustmonsters.  Arrrgggg.  I’ve come to eat your +3 pistol of pew pew.

Commander Shepard:  So you’ve actually seen one of these systems before on another ship?User:   Speaking of alien, this whole room reminded me the white claustrophobia of the Mother computer chamber on the Nostromo.

User:  I got to watch Alien right up to that scene like 100 times as a kid.   After that Dad would always turn it off.   Too scary was the adult consensus.

Commander Shepard:  100 times and yet you really seemed to struggle with this section.

User:  No, see  it took me a minute figure it out.

"Ah....Hello, Computer!"

Commander Shepard:  It took about fifteen minutes.

User:  Well, at first I didn’t get it.    All I could think was “this is a terrible engineering interface for such critical system.”

Commander Shepard:  It’s called a puzzle.

User:  Fine, I get that now.  I figured it out.

Commander Shepard: Fifteen minutes.

Status Report: Apparently, I'm a bitch

User:  Well at least I’m not a bad person.

Commander Shepard:  Bad person?

User: (clears throat and adds judgmental tilt of brow) Your Renegade to Paragon ratio is 4:1.

Commander Shepard:  And…that makes me a bad person?

Look at the eyes, she's not even listening anymore.

User:  No, but for argument’s sake, consider the security personnel when we first arrived at Port Hanshan.

I am prepared to begin negotiations.

Commander Shepard:  You mean because I didn’t kiss their asses when we first arrived?

User:  You could have introduced yourself, explained why you were there.

Commander Shepard:  ( cocks her jaw) I needed to start exploring the reach and grasp of being a Spectre.   Find out exactly how much and where that buys me influence.   Call it a first day shake down.

Besides, we had to take these same cops down just to get to the greater corruption in port.   Little fish, big fish.  Boom, Boom.   What does it matter if I told them to fuck off?

User: It matters to me, but this is not an accusation, perhaps odd praise?

Commander Shepard:  (already moved on)

User:  Lastly, a question on fashion.   The Survivor II appears to be superior armor, yet you’re not wearing it?

Commander Shepard:   Yellow?  They’re going to spot me a mile out.

User: (crosses arms and waits)

Commander Shepard:  I’m going to have snipers picking me off….

User: (waiting)

Commander Shepard: (confession and growl of relief)  Ugly.  Ugly beyond any tactical advantage.

User: (solemnly nodding) Agreed.  UBATA.

We do not like this!


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