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Praise You Father

March 18, 2012

This could have been avoided

Chris:   Honestly, I’m dumbfounded how rapidly and continuously I am putting distance between me and my creation.    Earlier today Amanda was furious with me, later she was limp and broken and lifeless, now all I feel is the deep seed of resentment.   I’ve shamed her for my mistake.     At the highest levels of spiritual reasoning, all of this is very murky water.

I’m playing both God and Devil in Amanda’s decision making.   Creating her with wings of free perspective whilst at the exact same moment chaining her to the very contradictions she is there to defeat.

The only thing I regret about today was that I had too little control over how the game played out.     Mass Effect has given me just enough moral high ground to slip then break my neck on the mound, yet I am utterly enthralled by my mismanagement of it all.

What I find most amazing is how Amanda just would not relent.   I kept thinking.  “Come on, that seems reasonable.”   I don’t think Amanda was thinking in terms of highest spiritual love.  Love after all is the core motivating principle behind this erupting duality narrative.   I think at that point in the argument, she wasn’t really considering my words at all anymore.   And, as I think back, I was condescending.   I sneezed Hitler.  That’s pretty low.

I took this picture because I liked the way it made her eyes sparkle in the light. She's a pretty girl.

Of course, she’s not going to agree with me.   Who would?   I should have taken the time, waited a day, let the argument sink in.  Maybe it doesn’t matter.   The problem came because I forced the issue.    I’m lecturing Shepard on violence and  moral authority but when i don’t get my way I just forced her.    This is certainly a kind of violence.  A coercion, met and overcome, by force.    I only pushed the issue because I didn’t want to keep the game running on that dialogue screen forever.   And I wanted to play the game again.

I didn’t know I was releasing the Kraken.   “Release the Kraken.”  Sorry, that was something we did for a while around here.

Behind closed doors, Commander Shepard has agreed, under my direction, to continue in her role as protagonist in Mass Effect.     We have made an agreement on how to proceed next and it is not an ideal path.  It is a compromised path.  A path of tenuous position.

Commander Shepard was doing her job and I hit the override button.

Today, I screwed up.  Not because I made the wrong choice in game, it’s because I broke trust with my protagonist.    I broke trust and machinima possessed Amanda to false expression she would otherwise never allow.    I could see the twist in her face as she stared back at me.    Bitterness.

Betrayal.   Uhhhhgggg.

Shepard has been humiliated.   I have been humbled.

Already my imagination has failed to predict these turns of events yet I stare into the future trying to anticipate the inevitable fallout.

What comes next is not what either of us desired.

The illumination of betrayal

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