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Thou shalt not Retcon

March 26, 2012

Chris:  Oh my God.   We killed all those people.

Commander Amanda Shepard:   Feros didn’t go so well.

Chris:  Dear God, we killed all those people.   And it’s my fault.

CAS:  It’s our fault.   We killed those people and we are going to kill more before it’s done.

Chris: (despondently gazing into the heavens)  When our work is done.     What will that be?  A universe in disarray and misery.

Kaidan, you know why you're here.

CAS:   (turns to audience) When we arrived on Feros I picked Tali and Kaiden to join me.

Chris:  You know, I just looked it up and I think his name is spelled Kaidan.    You know, I don’t think I’ve been spelling his name right.

CAS: (pucker frowns) Listen, you know the politics.  You were there.  Kaidan is on the team.

Chirs: (grinning and starry eyed) My son picked him to play.   And even then I was like, “No Son he is not a good choice.”   But, alas, I relent for love.

CAS:  Our initial landing and assessment made the situation appear more manageable than it ultimately became.

Chris:  Exactly, at first it just seemed like the geth arrived: insert killing.   I don’t think you asked hardly anyone in the camp about anything.  We just set off into the sewers, got lost, accidentally completed like four or five secondary missions before coming back to camp.

CAS:  That’ was a weird experience to just walk up to complete strangers and have already solved their problems before they asked.

Chris:  Come on, Commander, this ain’t my first rodeo.   If the giant arrow tells you to click on something…. genius!   I have to say, that totally skewed our points Paragon by complete accident and short of telling all those people to go screw themselves, would have been hard to avoid.    Now we’re the good guys again?

"What a beautiful sunset, did you know it will be your last?"

CAS:  Don’t worry, that worked itself out.

We actually kinda had to roll back and forth over this guy before he finally went "pop".

Chris:  (Shakes head and furrows brow)  Worked itself out?

CAS:  By the time we had scaled to the top of Feros, Saren’s plan had become clear.   A Thorian, mother-host organism had been hidden under the local colony and was slowly taking control of their minds.

Chris:  Actually, as soon as I caught whiff of the whole “Corporations R Evil Bastards”, I was like.  Heck ya, let’s stick it to the faceless dragon.    I think at this point I was having fun and full of self righteous, moral indignation.   I was going to enjoy letting you do you work, Commander.

CAS:  Too bad we didn’t read the fine print.

These are not humans.

Chris:   It seemed simple enough.  Use the gas grenades to heal the people.  Cool.

CAS:    We wasted almost all our grenades on the first wave of Thorian foot soldiers.

Chris:  I didn’t even think about it until suddenly there were normal looking colonists mixed in.

CAS:  By then, we had used all but one grenade.     I used that last grenade.  After that I returned fire.

Chris:  Ooooh my gut was twisting because I knew we were making the wrong call.    Sure, we get to kill Carter Burke but then we proceed to kill everyone anyway?   Gaaakkk.   I am a great hypocrite running like a bright bloody streamer, dragging stain behind us everywhere we go.

CAS:  As soon as I realized the civilian weapons were insufficient to take us down, I ordered Kaidan and Tali to double time it.    We cut a path through the Tholians but ignored the civilians.   I wish I had figured this out sooner.

Chris:  Me too.

CAS:  Before I could activate the controls, I had to kill one more woman.    We tried to shake her but couldn’t get out of combat mode.    (slowly lowers her finger and pulls the trigger)

Chris:  I didn’t read any of their names, but they had names.    I’m sure they had just praised our works hours earlier.   Now they were dead by our hand.

CAS:   Keep it clear, Boss.   The Tholians and the corporate monsters who experimented on those people.   They’re the ones to blame.     When we finish with Saren that’s where we go next.

Chris:   To fight corporate corruption?

Now here is a sympathetic smile.

CAS:  ExoGeni is first.

Chris: (surprised) Huh?

CAS: (carrying on) Once the  Tholian mother was exposed from beneath her cover…

Chris:  Thorian.   It’s Thorian.

CAS:  What was I saying?

Chris:  Tholian.  It’s my fault, we’ll probably switch back and forth the whole time.    Anyway, once we start chopping down that rotten plant, Lo and behold, who is behind the operation of the giant evil monster husk?

CAS:  Ha, another Asari who got confused and lost her way.

I don't blame your species. I blame you.

Chris:   I’m getting real tired of all these Asari asking for mulligans.

CAS:  Me too.  (Pulls out gun) and levels it at soon to be dead Asari.

Chris:  Whoa, but that doesn’t mean kill her.   Isn’t there such a things as jail, or rehab?   Time out?

CAS:   I don’t see “rehab” on the option wheel.

Chris:  (Deep breath in and slow breath out)   Alright Commander,  tell me you’ve weighed the darkness and the light.

CAS: Day and night.  I’m pulling the trigger.

I don't think this is right.

Chris: (turns away as two flashes echo onscreen)

CAS:  (Looks to Chris) She had more choices and more years than most humans can imagine.    (Pauses) Doesn’t it make you wonder why you  mourn her more than those colonists we just took down?

Chris:  (holds hands up in the air gesticulating for Divine intervention) I’m lost here.   I think it all sucks.  This whole thing sucks.

CAS:  Let them go.   You can’t save them now.   Next time, we’ll both do better.

Chris:   The Paragon/Renegade metric drives me nuts.    The moral sensor on that thing must be made out of superhero parts.   “Did you kill them for justice and the Citadel way? ”

CAS:  We agreed.   No cheating.  No reloading and trying again.

Chris:  (Exceptions include death and glitching as seen here)

The problem is on the right side of the vehicle.

CAS:  Why are you so worried about what They think?

Thanks for the enlightenment. Let me show you what I saw.

Chris:  I want to do what is right.

CAS:   And you want to entrust the measure of that to an entertainment corporation’s idea of right and wrong?

Chris: (head explodes)

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3 Comments
  1. HAha funny – is this typo on purpose? It’s perfect:
    “Chris: You know, I just looked it up and I think his name is spelled Kaidan. You know, I don’t think I’ve been spelling his name right.

    CAS: (pucker frowns) Listen, you know the politics. You were there. Kaidan is on the team.

    Chirs: (grinning and starry eyed) My son picked him to play. And even then I was like, “No Son he is not a good choice.” But, alas, I relent for love.

  2. This is my favorite: “I don’t blame your species. I blame you.”

  3. Awwww head explode! I give you both permission for any do overs you may desire. It’s what I would do. On Easy Mode only.

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