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April 16, 2012

Chris:  It’s been a week since I’ve written about or played Mass Effect and it’s been great.

Commander Amanda Shepard:   Good to be missed.

Chris:  You know what I mean.   So let’s talk about what happens after you press the Prothean flashback machine.

CAS:   The Reaper appeared.

Chris:   I’ll be honest.  You said some pretty dumb things while talking to the Reaper.

"You some robot?"

CAS:  Screw you.

Chris:   I think the problem for me is that at the time I was gathering in the actual shape and density of the problem while the two of you were talking and the severity of it all seemed to be escaping you.

CAS: Would you rather I just bow my head become a dog like Saren?

Chris:   Saren?   What the hell?  I’ll be honest, I was expecting a little more than, “If we kiss their asses maybe they’ll be nice.”

CAS: (Stares with crossed arms)

Chris:  Wait…

CAS:   And you want me to kiss everyone ass just like Saren.

Chris:  No.   (Sighs)  A week away and I feel great.  Now we’re back and I’m almost instantly confounded and frustrated by the rigors of the moral puzzle.   The confrontation of my spiritual ignorance  lensed through the gravity of miserable choices honestly considered.    And now…the bad guy is the Anti-God.

CAS:  Anti-God

Space Ticks are scary.

Chris:   Sure.   In science fiction, the god concept is an inevitable mirror that gets held up.   The Reapers are gods.    Do you know how to fight Anti-Gods, Commander?  Saren sure didn’t.  Man, I was really hoping for something more from Saren.    After a weeks has passed by, I realize that I’m deeply concerned that I am marching toward an inevitable grim end.   Normally, i wouldn’t tolerate such a relentless trial of pessimism.     A secular gathering of species against their Anti-God progenitors.

CAS:   It could be Greek.  Titans and gods?

....but it is a tragedy.

Chris:  Speaking of Greek.  You know I finished God of War I and II, but that’s as far as I took it.  I think it was the penny arcade comic that changed my mind.   What’s left, Kratos vs God and Jesus?    I think the first God of War story held a mystery of personal discovery mixed together with the heavy load of unrepentant sins.     The second God of War made me feel like I was screwing with fate.    I never played the Third God of War because at this point it seemed like the hubris was to come and dry hump every last authority until victorious.     See:  Kratos vs God and Jesus.

Fear my great and throbbing cock.

CAS:  None of this sounds helpful to our current situation.

Chris:  All I am saying is, this is bullshit.  Mass Effect is Bullshit.   All of this is bullshit.

CAS:  We confronted the Reaper and Saren confessed his failures.    The Normandy brought the Salarian engine core for us to nuke the facility.    That’s when Kaidan’s team calls for help.

His plan is dick, take the shot!

Chris:  Right, we both knew what was coming.

This was always easier than it should have been and yet it still sucks ass.

CAS:  This is never an easy choice.

Chris:  Honestly, the Execution of Kaidan all feels very contrived.     Like the game hands you a revolver.  “Kill a crewmember to advance the plot!”  (click)    This is the future of human interaction.  “I’d like to help you Lisa, but my experience points and morality system meter only allow me to select “Kill Lisa” or “Steal Her Parents Money”.   And since stealing is wrong…. (Tap, Tap).

These guys have my back

CAS:  Sometimes you have to ask soldiers to give their lives.

Chris: And so we asked Kaidan to give his virtual life to our cause and I pity him little.    I can’t say I’m glad we chose Ashley either.    What does it matter?

CAS:  We can fight the Reapers.   We will save the galaxy.

Chris:   I’m less certain of it than you, I hope we are wrong,

CAS:  We can’t give up.

Chris:  No, of course not.    This is why you are here.   A hook to keep me in the story, my avatar into agony.   The choice for me can no longer dwell inside of the game.   Instead, the criteria must change.

That's your plan?!!!

For at the first she will walk with him by crooked ways, and bring fear and dread upon him, and torment him with her discipline, until she may trust his soul, and try him by her laws.  Then will she return the straight way unto him, and comfort him, and shew him her secrets.’

CAS:  I’m that woman?

Chris: (ha)  No but I believe she is walking with us now.    A better councilor than these guys.

CAS:  I hate the council.

Chris:  “Good job on proving you were correct on a series of hunches that we completely dismissed.   Now please immediately stop trying to save the universe.”    You know what really, really pisses me off?

CAS:   The Asari trying to constantly mind rape me.

I'm here to probe you

Chirs:  (nods) ok….that too.   But I hate how the council is constantly demanding evidence?   What the fuck?   Evidence.   I literally  have save files that prove everything I said?  Is that too far past the fourth wall?  Fine.   How about in the future, you put a tiny camera on Commander Shepard’s gun.  Hey, that might be useful for post mission reviews instead of just sitting around the officer debrief room looking like we’re all tired cowboys.   “Shucks, them aliens is nuts.”

CAS:  I’m with you.    So I can stream video  live across the universe but I can’t snap one still frame of me talking to the Reapers.

Chris:  Don’t worry commander, I’ve got your evidence right here and I’m from Earth’s ancient past.    Bigass JPG’s.   It’s called a camera and almost every adult in my city has one installed in  their hybrid-personal communications device.  I’m sorry Amanda.   Going faster than the speed of light is useless.   If only your civilization possessed a lens camera…we might be saved.

The destruction of the fourth wall...created by an absence of the camera gun, a forbidden technology in the future.


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